A more recent testimony. . .

Normally you hear testimonies of how people came to know the Lord Jesus. And as important as those are, our growth in Him should never stop. So this testimony isn't how I came to know the Lord, but how I learned to trust Him- and how I grew closer to Him. Yesterday I told it to 35 women at a Women's event called "Rekindle". The theme was "Trusting God Even When it Doesn't Make Sense," a radical saying by our world's standards. What an honor and privilege to be able to tell of how the Lord has worked in my life. And I feel that I should post this, as it may encourage some. Or you'll just get to know me more.

In August of 2004 things seemed to be going perfectly. I had just gotten married in November and life with my new husband in Germany was amazing. I was so looking forward to our first anniversary. But then our lives took a sudden change. I was informed by my leadership that I was selected to deploy with a team of Intel airmen to Balad AB, Iraq. As an Intel Airman First Class I knew exactly what was going on at Balad AB; and I knew I needed to do everything I could do to get out of it- and I did. I tried almost everything, and when everything else failed I even considered getting pregnant just not to go. My husband and I decided that this was not a good way to conceive a child and finally determined that it looked like God wanted me to go.

I was very scared and mad. I was mad at God for not keeping me from such a dangerous assignment. I was also mad at myself, because I felt that if I hadn't been such an overachiever and excelled at my work, maybe I wouldn't have been selected for this very significant deployment. I didn't care that this would be an amazing achievement in my career- I just wanted to be a wife, and live long enough to have a 1^st wedding anniversary and have children some day.

Reality finally hit me, and this was something I was not going to get out of. It was either facing jail time for going AWOL or going to a combat zone in Iraq. I was so very scared. I had to have a will and testament made, and just the thought of being away from my new husband for so long made me cry. The Lord sent comfort to me in a dream. But I still did not trust Him completely. I chose to feel sorry for myself instead. I had just rededicated my life to Him 2 years before, but I had lost the fire that my initial conversion brought. I no longer felt like doing Christian things, I just did them because I knew it was right. But my heart wasn't there.

When I was finally there, I remembered that my husband had given me The Purpose Driven Life. I figured, “I have at least 40 days to kill here...” so when I had some down time I read it. I read it every day, and reflected on what my purpose was. And how it's not all about me. This is an excerpt from my journal entry on the 31^st of August “I didn't want to come. But I do have a purpose here, and I know that I have to keep going. It's been a week since I left Germany, but I'm trying not to count the days. I feel the Lord has a purpose for me here. I hope to fulfill it, and soon go home.”

As I walked through ankle-deep sand as fine as powder, and when the rain came- clay-like and muddy. The Lord walked with me. In the darkness of the night, when I walked back to my tent- He was my Light. Several times my flashlight's batteries died and I walked in complete darkness. I held onto “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path” (Psalm 119:105) This was completely true. One night, when the moon was not visible and my flashlight went out, I was walking to my tent from work. I walked slowly, because I could barely see where I was going. And I heard “Stop!” in my heart. I immediatley stopped, and tried to squint and adjust my eyes to see in front of me. I gasped. I was only centimeters from a bunch of constantine wire that had been left coiled up in the middle of the path. One more step would've sent me into it and cut me up. I praised God.

There are so many blessings that the Lord has poured over me. I believe God does bless us as we trust Him. I didn't start out doing this, but when facing this trial I had two options: go through the trial without Him, or go through it with Him and reap an amazing blessing. As I look back I see that my greatest growth period was in the worst place of my life. And as much as I hated the desert, I would not take it back. I didn't think I would make it. I didn't think I was strong enough. But He was. It was all Him. I could never have survived without Him, “The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust” (Psalm 18:2). The NASB says “in whom I take refuge”. Both are so true.

I believe the Lord allowed me to go through these things because my focus was not on Him. There were so many distractions in my life at that time. And like a father, he just wanted some one-on-one time with his daughter. Over there He was all I had. I buried my face in His chest and held onto His hand, and I grew closer in my relationship with Him. I learned to rely on Him. And now my prayer is “If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here” (Exodus 33:15)

One of my favorite parts in Exodus is when Moses pleas with God to show him His glory. God concedes, but it's dangerous. If Moses sees His face, he'll die.

18 Then Moses said, "Now show me your glory."

19 And the LORD said, "I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the LORD, in your presence...

20 But," he said, "you cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live."

21 Then the LORD said, "There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. 22 When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. 23 Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back; but my face must not be seen."

This scripture touches me so much. God loves us so much that he'll allow us to see His glory—and we have! We've seen it in Jesus Christ, and Jesus is that rock on which we stand! He puts us on the cleft in the rock- he protects us, and covers us with His hand... what an amazing and (romantic I might add) God we serve.